Saturday, April 9, 2011

Slightly Excited


I’m just a bit excited. I’ve got this chit from a medico. You probably know I’ve had some medical problems of late. Heart, chest, diabetes and gout – full house.

The heart unit have me on an 8 week course of lectures and physiotherapy. It’s supposed to extend my life expectancy dramatically.

This week we had a talk from the pharmacist to explain the drugs we’re on and their side effects. We also had a talk from this woman about getting your life back to normal after your operation. When you can drive again, how you mustn’t play contact sport like AFL and why you mustn’t operate heavy equipment like brooms, dusters and dish washers. All a bit boring really until she gave out this sheet about returning to sexual activity.

I can’t wait to get home. As I read it, it says that I am required to have sex at once. I only hope that the missus understands the therapeutic value and that I can persuade her how important it is to my full recovery.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

My Funny Valentine


They sat in front of us at the Kino Cinema on Valentine’s Day.

I suppose they were going to have champagne cocktails in Treasury Gardens after the show.

“Ain’t love grand?”

Please (Do Not) Feed The Birds


He was sitting outside the coffee shop at St Vincent’s Hospital sharing his breakfast with the birds.

He was prepared for anything:

  • documents and money in a leather man-bag
  • bedding zipped into a square polyester canvas bag
  • a rolled sleeping mat
  • cloths stuffed into his duffel bag with a fishing rod if he ever needs to catch his dinner

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Rasta Fairy


A fairy with dreadlocks sat at the next table at the “Love Hut” Vegan Restaurant in Victoria Street.

Her dreads were dyed in pastel colours to match the pastel coloured tattoos on her arms.

She also had one of those bunny-rabbit rucksacks that primary school kids use in their first year.

Someone said she might be a performer who’d just come from a kid’s birthday party.
I’m not convinced. She is absolutely living the role.

Perhaps she’s not the “Rasta Fairy” but the “Pastel Pixie”.

It’s a sin to tell a lie



The crooner sang his heart out while Aunty Judy stood to one side and growled advice to the lovelorn:


I love you, yes I do, I love you

"Don't you be telling me any porkies, you'll go to a dark place......

If you break my heart I'll die

“Wake up to yourself, you stupid bloody wuss…”

So be sure it's true

“… straight to hell...... “

When you say I love you

“… silly bugger…”

It's a sin to tell a lie

“It's a bloody sin, and that means it's bloody bloody drongo"


Friday, February 4, 2011

Great Lakes


“Now, can any student name one of the Great Lakes?”

“Oh, me miss. Me, miss, Pick me, miss.”

“Yes, Olive…”

“Albert Park Lake, miss.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Seat of Power


Two blokes sat and talked.

They talked about People, Power and Politics.
They rested and enjoyed the morning.

Abbotsford Brewery was on the left, Abbotsford Convent was on the right and Collingwood High Rise Estate was in front.

They can’t see the river, but they’ll walk beside it when they decide to head home.



When all the glass in their flat cracked, the residents looked at each other and said: “Oh it must be Tuesday.”

Bridge the Gap Choir sings every Tuesday at 7pm. (Visit the WWW site here)

This week they did a particularly vigorous rendition of “Bridge over troubled water”.

Sunrise: StVs Ward 4 - West


Just before breakfast, Australia Day eve. There was no break, just fast for me. I was due for an operation which didn’t come until 9 hours later.

A promising day.

Mr. Roberts I Presume…


Ian has finished his meditation and is ready to join me for a pleasant walk.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I knew this bloke once…


A bloke came up to me while the dog and I waited for the family outside the supermarket. He spoke a bit strangely, so I wondered if the bandage on his throat was covering some sort of hole.

“I like Kelpies. I bet she’s good at rounding up sheep, mate.”

“I dunno about that. I reckon if you put her in with a mob of sheep, she’d just chase them around and spread them all over the paddock.”

“You never know about dogs, mate. I knew this bloke once. Had a hobby farm with about 100 sheep. I went to visit him one day and he goes and rounds em up using this stupid looking Chihuahua. The bloody thing got em in the pen in no time. I swear.”

“Gee, I dunno, sounds a bit like a tall story to me. A bloody Chihuahua? Nah, I reckon you’re pulling my leg.”

“Fair dinkum, mate. As I live and breath.”



Nice dog, mate


Waiting outside IGA Supermarket, Heathcote, January 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Cold as an Eskimo’s …


Last night I watched an Australian movie: “Roly Poly Man”; about a pretty low rent private detective and his attempts to solve a series of murders.

Lots of good verbal and sight gags, but my favourite line was:

“I’m colder than an Eskimo's bum at a fart lighting contest.”

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Fresh $5


We drove to Heathcote last weekend and saw lots of people selling produce at the side of the road.

One bloke had a big sign “Fresh $5” on the roof of his station wagon, but there was no clue as to what he might be selling.
We speculated:

Maybe he’s selling fresh ideas.

Maybe Tony Abbot should pay a visit. Surely he could find something better than Barnaby’s idea of raising the height of all the damn dam walls to stop flooding.
(What about upstream of the higher walls Barnaby? What about the cost Barnaby? What if the dams are already full, B…?)

The bloke was there again on the way home next day. We still couldn’t see what he was selling, but didn’t stop.
Best we keep guessing …

Happy New Year, Mate


Early on New Year’s morning, I sat in an old sofa on the verandah of our friends’ house in Nirranda (near Warrnambool) – watching the birds claiming the day.

One bloke sat on the table in front of me. I think he said g’day.

He may have been a superb blue wren. (He was superb, he was blue and he was a wren)

Rapper Romance


There have been quite a few parties next door over the last few weeks.

One afternoon the son had his mates around to listen to some rap (and kindly included any neighbours who might be outdoors).

I managed to switch most of it out while I read my book, but one song broke through the barrier.
It repeated variations on the following refrain for a good three minutes:

I’m gonna fuck you tonight, fuck you tonight … I’m gonna fuck you; fuck you; fuck you tonight.

I’m pleased to know that romance lives on in this modern age.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Well Travelled


Collins Street, Melbourne: Lunchtime.

Boxing Day Test - Day 3

“Would you like to deflate that thing, sir?”

‘Would you like to deflate that thing, sir?’

I went to cricket with my son, Mark on Tuesday. First time I’ve been for a good decade.
I had no real passion for it, but Mark suggested and I went.
On Christmas day, he’d said: ‘It’s a chance to sit together quietly and talk about shit.’ And thus we did.
I loved it. I suspect that Mark wanted to relive some of our past trips to the G for Boxing Day Test.

At some stage during the day, someone in the Barmy Army blew up a condom like a balloon and it floated up and landed in front of a couple of empty seats in our row.

Before I knew it this young female cop reached over and tried to hand me a biro: ‘Would you like to deflate that thing, sir?’
’Err, not really.’
So she pushed past with the biro poised and did it herself.
… and she didn’t even wait until the end of the over.

‘Very strange, hey mate. Why would that affront her?’
’Dunno, Dad. Bloody weird… I wonder why you didn’t suggest that she tazer it.’
One of those ‘I should have said…’ moments.

Mark and I have agreed to just sit and watch again soon.
Maybe beside a river next time.